the heartache of dying.

have you ever read books or watched movies where you knew that right from the beginning that the lead character eventually dies at the end?

it may be because of you reading too many books about families that once were torn apart now being back together because someone in the family is terminally ill. or maybe the improved version of its movie counterpart.

what would you do, if you knew of your expiry date? i mean, approximately the time when you will be missed by your dearests. 

of course, we will one day die. afterall, that is promised to us by Allah swt.

a friend of mine said, that "its a kind of blessing."

i was quite surprised really, for i'm very sure almost everyone would be depressed, showing somewhat lack of interest in living or the living for that matter. like as if the reasons of breathing and smiling were stripped away just like that, as fast as my snapping fingers. like stripping away your favourite toy or blanket when you were young as a child. that would be devastating, wouldn't it?

but to call death as a "blessing" was too much, wasn't it? i was about to counter his words when he muttered somethings before i could blast his away.

"look, when you know you are dying, you will remember death all the time, yes? isn't death is the best of all reminders?"

who would've thought, we are in the same boat. the very boat called life and at the end of the river will be a sea of oblivion namely death and the hereafter.

i'm not denying death nor afraid of it. i embraced it as a part of the living. Allah creates you and to Him and only Him you belong.

i was lost for words. he was right. he saw the death of someone in a positive light. forgive me for being so pessimistic. i was young and lost and no one that i could really rely on.

"you know, if you remember about death all the time, you'll never have time to stray away from the path of Allah"

he smiled while driving the car. its quite dark, the highway to mount buller was unlit, only the headlights shining brightly on the road but i could 'see' he was smiling. he is always smiling, that good friend of mine. yes, the conversation took place in a small van, carrying a few female passengers at the back. i started to sob a little and was having the hardest time of my life to control it. 

of course you wouldn't want to cry in front of the female. somehow it shows your weakness. some women like it when you're all emotional, some don't.

"by the way, how on earth are you so sure that you gonna outlive someone who knew of his end? we could die right now, while driving. people die young. age does not have a say. so does us as the weak human beings."

it feels like raining in my heart. the storm is brewing strong. it feels like you're going to torn apart just from thinking about it.

"...you're right about that. i don't know what makes me so sure that i'm gonna outlast a dying man."

arrogance.

the norms of the life, that the aged dies. but we often forgot that everyone dies at every stage of life. babies can die, right from birth. children can choke on something and teenagers can be involved in accidents from time to time.

Allah Almighty says, "Every self will taste death. You will be paid your wages in full on the Day of Rising. Anyone who is distanced from the Fire and admitted to the Garden, has triumphed. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of delusion," (3:185)

"don't be sad, didn't Allah had promised that every soul will taste death one day? its just a matter of when."

i wiped my teary eyes. i carved a smile on that round face of mine, albeit how hard it was to do so. my eyes were so watery that i couldn't make sense of the shapes trailing along the highway. and him. he kept on smiling, even though what he had told me should banish all reasons for him to keep on smiling.

you're strong indeed. i wish i was as strong as you.

so i quote a part of my favourite book, the fault in our stars.

“you don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” 

of course losing someone, is painful and it doesn't help when "pain demands to be felt". but i don't mind if it from the people i love most.

and i'll quote some of the things you've said on that fateful night.

"after all, that is why death is the best reminder of all."